Mariners throw rocks at chirping blue birds that invade their home

And the blue birds did not die but they probably got kind of hurt a little bit because getting pelted with rocks is only sometimes pleasurable and at the least their emotions were hurt because Son of Canada Michael Saunders was one of the most prominent rock throwers and it always hurts when children throw rocks at their parents even if the parents are perched just outside the window and WON’T STOP CHIRPING AND SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT UP THAT DAMN BIRD.

Many good games were had by Mariner hitters in addition to Canadian Son Michael Saunders with Seager and Ackley and Ryan doing more than the standard hit ball and jog to first once in a game because they all had either a half homer or two hits or a stolen base in some order.

Iwakuma used jetlag to fuel the most dominant start of his career and scared 13 birds away from the plate with rock like objects and a person would think that jetlag would make poor fuel but those persons would be wrong because jetlag proved to be a much better fuel than anger which is what fuels Brett Lawrie because Lawrie was chased away from home plate 4 TIMES after striking out and his anger issues most likely stem from being worse at sports than his sister and generally just being a worse person than her overall but in truth she is pretty amazing so it would be hard to live up to her standard. 

Also: It is not that we are taking credit for the flurry of Mariner moves during and after the game but it is a pretty big coincidence that some minutes or hundred minutes after hitting create on the Trade Deadline Post that the Mariners made all their moves.  Some sadness for people leaving or going to Tacoma and some new players which might be futurely good which is not sadness and at least Brandon League is going to a place where he won’t be tempted with distractions like partying and jello-shotting.

Mariners act like the bored genius in school and lose to Blue Jays

The Mariners started out really good with Chone Figgins hitting a bomb in the first at bat and this was like the placement test that gets the genius kid into the honors and AP classes but then the kid gets really bored because even the honors and AP classes dont challenge the Mariners so they get into this funk where they under achieve for innings 2 through 8 and then the end of school is approaching so Olivo and Jaso hit a homer and a half homer in the 9th inning but the genius kid has developed so many bad habits and laziness and didn’t learn much and fell so far behind in innings 2-8 that the Mariners can not overcome it and lose the game while looking very disinterested and this game is like a microcosmical version of the whole season because the Mariners are well into the season now and its the doldrums of the middle of the season and like we always say we dont know how they get to the World Series just that they get there so we assume the genius kid realizes his potential before its too late and makes a glorious run witch leads to a Nobel Prize and or World Series win.

Jason Vargas got Felixed today because he pitched pretty durn tootin good but they didnt score many runs for him and then the bullpen had a little bit of a meltdown to make it look worse but if Jason Vargas pitches like this most games he will be an ALL-STAR so chin up Jason.

Mariners follow up most exciting game of the year with the most boring game of the year

Boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring took three naps boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring wrote two chapters boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring did some painting boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring cut my hair boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring.

Boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring Iwakuma earned another three weeks of not playing boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring.

Michael Saunders kills a QUADRUPLE HOMER to defeat Blue Jays

These are the kinds of victories that wash the taste of gerbil feces from your mouth after getting perfect gamed less than a week ago (HOLY CATS!) and the hero is Michael “Pride of Canada” Saunders because he hit TWO MONSTER BOMBS with one in the 9th inning and a QUADRUPLE HOMER IN THE 10TH inning to win it and Jesus Montero also hit a homer and John Jaso had a game tying hit ball in the 9th inning and Smoak/Liddi/Montero all hit balls to load the bases for Saunders and Ichiro threw a man out at home and the Blue Jays had many fear errors to keep the Mariners in the game and fear errors are when the other team is really scared which should be understood but just in case and Canada is probably a blaze of happy joyous feelings tonight because their hero Michael Saunders defeated an enemy of major league proportions.

Blake “Quality Start” Beavan was pitching well enough to keep the Mariners in the game and many Mariner pitchers allowed 0 hits and that is a zero not an O-letter and every Mariner played except for one and Eric Wedge isn’t even sure if that last guy exists or is just a dream or Kawasaki and Ichiros translator but Tom Wilhelminason was not one of those pitchers that had 0 hits but he was redeemed by a true hero of North America named Michael Saunders.