I meant to include this in the recap but I forgot because my brain is still scrambled but the recap was late and I apologize but I had to go for a run in a thunderstorm through the forest first because when your team scores 21 runs in a game it is usually a good sign that you are basically invincible and the wolves ran from me and howled in appreciation for the good chase they were given and many bears were punched in the face but not bear cubs full grown bears.
This game. This was the game that will convince the unbelievers.
This was the game that we have expected all season from the amazing Mariners DHs that have been assembled and it is not even an exaggeration when we say that this was the most impressive and explosive performance by any team in all of baseball in all of the world for all season and it was the team that you love that did it and it makes yesterdays “Super-Inning” look like a regular boring Rangers inning because the Mariners scored EIGHT FREAKING RUNS two innings in a row and then they threw in 5 extra runs just because they love all of us.
Smoak crushed two full homers and a half homer and Montero and Ackley bombed a full homer and a half homer each which is SEVEN BOMBS between the three of them and oh yeah Seager and Saunders both slammed a full homer each that was two half homers each which is ELEVEN HOMERS and there were four Mariners with 3 or more hits and six Mariners with 2 or more hits and the Mariners had SIX WALKS TOO WHICH ARE JUST ALMOST LIKE HITS for approximately 26 hits which is practically a record.
Pitching sure there was pitching but when a team scores 21 runs the PITCHING IS IRRELEVANT because SUPERTEAM. S-U-P-E-R-T-E-A-M.
On Friday there is a good chance the Mariners play Ichiro and Carp and Jaso BECAUSE HOLY SHIT they did not even start today so we can expect the Mariners to score upwards of 25 if not 30 runs on Friday SO GET ON THE TRAIN…….GET ON THE FRIGGING TRAIN BECAUSE IT IS GAINING SPEED AND HOLY KAWASAKIS STEPHEN PRYOR IS PROBABLY COMING UP ON FRIDAY TO HELP IN THE BAR CAR BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH BARTENDERS TO HELP YOU CELEBRATE AT THE END OF A GAME ON A TRAIN.
And it may have been the greatest inning of any team for the whole season because the Mariners forced the Rangers to make errors by running really fast and they did not hit any homers that inning but they didn’t need to because the bases were loaded for about 17 batters in a row and when the bases are loaded you do not need to hit homers to score runs because runnermen are close to home already.
And Jaso did hit a homer though but not in “Super-Inning” and Seager shredded things with a full homer which was two half homers and another hit and Saunders had 3 and Ackley had 2 and Ryan stoled a base and hit a half homer and if the Mariners did this every game like we know they should because it is a good strategy they would win all of the games.
And Vargas did pitch like his normal self which is pitching well enough but he got cheated by a Joe Hamilton cheater home run which nobody was impressed by because he hits them all the time.
And the most recent time it was the Texan Rangers who showed how much they hate veterans from the Northwest by cheating their asses off to beat the Mariners and the other two times it was the Angels and the two times before that that we already covered was also the Angels so that was just about the worst thing the Angels and Rangers could do to our veterans on a weekend when they are supposed to be celebrated.
Jesus Montero had another game where he hit much better when he played catcher and Brendan Ryan hit a homer where the ball stayed on grass or dirt or in gloves but Selig must have been watching because he made the call to make sure that Ryan did not score the run and Kelvin Millwood pitched pretty durned good even though he threw to many pitches and did not last long.
It is really hard to remain optimistic about League after a performance like that on the backs of so many other performances that are like that and on a night when he combines giving up first pitch hits with walks and errors to really drive the point home that his future lies in jello shots which is where his mind spends most of its time anyways.
Justin Smoak continued his recent heatening though by hitting a full all the way bomb and knocking in 4 runs with his bat and the watching balls fly by was once again successful as the Mariners got basically 7 free hits by just standing there and we call it a success because we have to pretend that the 9th did not happen to call it a success and pretending the 9th did not happen is better for all of us and it’s what League already did too so we should just follow his example.
Beavan was pretty good except for helping Puyol continue to get on track after a rough start to his new career as a baseball player after retiring from international football superstardom but hey a 3rd paragraph with a mention of League because he erased all the goodness Beavan did.
And it is really disappointing because watching balls seemed to be a very effective strategy for winning games and they did not watch four balls go by all night which means zero free bases and in fact they did the opposite and swung too much and struck out 14 times which is a lot when there are only 27 outs but now that I think about it there was probably something nefarious going on and the umpire most likely screwed the Mariners over a lot or was paid off by the commissioner to squash this new strategy because Selig thinks walks are boring and should not be a part of his game.
Ichiro half homer and stolen base and Saunders stoled a base and that is it of interest for the DHs.
Vargas pitched okay except he gave up a homer to a guy who has barely even hit any homers this year so he was probably due and we can not really blame Vargas and De La Bar pitched a perfect game but it was too late.
Hooray for standing there and watching pitchers stupidly throw balls!
Don’t they know that balls give the other team free bases and can later lead to scores? Under-utilized market.
Also, I am sorry you had to miss our hero’s bomb today but I congratulate you on being a good parent and the karma will all balance out during the World Series and after.
mightyflynn replied to your post: Quadruple homers prove to be the key to victory again as Mariners win
“… he bombed a quadruple homer to the place where the concrete grows …” might be the best thing I’ve read all day.
If concrete were sentient there is no doubt in my mind that it would choose to grow in a baseball stadium.
Why don’t teams just hit quadruple homers all the time because they seem to be really valuable as Alexander Liddi proved today when he bombed a quadruple homer to the place where the concrete grows after the Rangers stupidly decided to intentionally walk Dustin Ackley which is kind of understandable because Ackley is a fearsome hitter but Liddi made them pay just like when the arrogant Carthaginians started a war with Liddi’s ancestors and the Romans obliterated their capitol and spread salt in the ruins so that nothing would ever grow again.
The Rangers were the Carthaginians today and their reign of terror appears to be over and if not for Joe Hamilton’s barley and poppy and marijuana crops they would have no crops at all.
The Mariners once again used the “Stand there and watch the pitcher stupidly throw balls” approach which seems to be an effective strategy when combined with quadruple homers.
Kelvin Milwood pitched good today but not as good as the last time he pitched which was practically a perfect game but today was really quite good again and besides Tom Wilhelminason doing his best Brandon League impression the pitching was very nicely done to include Brandon League who shut the game down with his ace-closeriness in the 9th.
Recipe for beating Yu Darvish:
- Watch Yu Darvish throw balls until he throws so many balls that you get 6 or more walks.
- Have or acquire Felix Hernandez and ask him to shut down the Rangers offense for 8 or more innings.
- If more than 8 innings fails, have or acquire Tom Wilhelminason to shut down Rangers offense in 9th inning.
- Have or acquire Ichiro Suzuki and Jesus Montero and ask them to hit homers but less than full homers and have them drive in some runs each.
- Allow to cool, then plate and enjoy.
You’re welcome rest of MLB.
Bombs bombs bombs for everyone with Montero and Smoak going back to back and Carp unloading another bomb and Ichiro and Ackley each hitting their 9th half homer of the year and Liddi turning on his wheels for a 3/4 homer and many many more close bombs that flew to where the dirt grows and were caught by cheating Rockies but these young Mariner DHs are starting to really click.
Beavan pitched pretty okay again which is kind of how he does things now except he got seven confused Rockies to strike out which is a pretty good number and then things got really scary in the last inning because League is really unfocused right now but we have to remain optimistic so hopefully he will soon realize that jello shots are not a profession that has a future and no kids ever dream of growing up to be jello shots and throwing balls hard and deceptively pays much better than seeing how many jello shots a person can devour in an hour except for a few very specific people who get paid lots of money to do shots but those people are really kind of talentless and worthless and not something to aspire to.
The Baseball Gods must have finally gone back and looked at how many times the Mariners had been screwed this season so far but instead of admitting all the errors and mistakes they made which were probably the result of some God’s clerk misfiling some paperwork or forgetting to respond to an email they just decided to start rectifying the situation like everything is normal and no mistakes were made because that is how bureaucracies correct mistakes and this is how we envisioned the Mariners playing this season and there was very little screwing done to the Mariners today except for that homer in the 7th inning that some Rocky guy hit.
The dominant Mariner DHs were lead by Kyle Seager who hit a bomb and had 3 hit balls and Jesus Montero and Casper Wells and Brendan Ryan all had multi hit balls with Ryan getting the 3/4 homer and Mariner DH Jason Vargas even got in on the action and hit a run scoring ball but wait oh crap he is a pitcher too and he pitched pretty good until that screwy homer started putting nails in the coffin of his pitching day and then Shawn Kelley pitched another perfect game in the 8th inning which is very historic.
Millwood was not unhittable because the Rockies got two hits so that means he was kind of hittable but in baseball terms two hits is not very many at all and is barely more than zero hits and zero hits is supposed to be historic but Millwood did it in Colorado which is known for having thin air which makes balls fly like they have wings or are in space and if you have ever hit a ball in space you would know that the lack of friction makes balls fly very far and Millwood overcame all this to pitch rather amazingly and he didn’t allow any space balls while practically pitching in space and gave up no runs whcih makes it impossible for your team to lose.
Mike “Joe Hamilton” Carp hit another bomb which brought him back into a tie with Albert Pujols which is pretty amazing considering that Mike Carp didn’t play for all of April and Seager and Saunders both hit 3/4 homers which we have established are harder and rarer than full homers
I don’t know that was kind of bad and it looks like the Mariners will be getting ibanezed many times this year and todays ibanezer was former slow All-Star Mariner Jose Lopez but that is confusing cause he is still kind of slow he is just a former Mariner not formerly slow but either way he really screwed us today.
The Mariners had some many good hits and many would be heroes with Michael Saunders being the one to single out with his half homer in the 11th inning that was basically the game winner but that was after Monsieur De La Bar gave up the ibanezlopez homer and before League forgot what sport he was playing or if he was playing a sport at all and maybe he was thinking about what local Cleveland establishment he would be doing jello shots at later.
Noesi aced but he got Felixed and we mean not yesterday Felix cause everyone knows that probably was not Felix yesterday but the old Felix that pitches well only to watch the team blow his wins.
I hope you made the right choice Brandon because those better be some good jello shots since they cost the Mariners a win which I’m pretty sure is worth several million dollars if you go by how much the stat guys say a win is worth.
This is like one of those things where someone asks “What would you do for a million dollars” and pretty much anyone would take a few million to play bad one game out of 162 because its only one game and how much better can you do than winning the World Series in a season so what does losing one game really matter in the grand scheme of 2012.
And they lost to Josh Beckett so that he can restore some semblance of not being a loser who hates the team and he knew he couldn’t do it on his own so it only cost him a few million dollars of his 16.5 million dollar salary to get some Red Socks fans forgetting about how much he despises them.
Ichiro played Shoeless Joe Jackson though because Ichiro never takes dives and he had two hits and two stoled bases.
I hope you went out and did something better with your time because this game was a waste of time and was a needless detour that the World Series train did not need to take and that’s why Felix is a pitcher and not a conductor because he conducted the train yesterday when the team left New York and then this happened (The pictures are out there if you need proof).
No, that’s it, that’s the recap. Go read a book or pet your dog now or something else productive and enjoyable. Forgot this game happened because things will be better tomorrow.
The Yankees may have won the first two games of the series with treachery and by employing a traitorous jealous ex of the Mariners but I imagine that todays game was the one they really wanted to win because of the return of one Andrew Petite because he needed the money after his post baseball business chinchilla farm failed and I also imagine that he didnt expect he would get homered on by a guy hitting .207 and another guy hitting .193 but they both did and their names were Capser Wells and Justin Smoak.
Ichiro and Liddi both hit half homers and Liddi had 2 total hits and many of the Mariners hit balls or got walks because they were out to ruin the party and some of you may think that is rude of a guest but you would be wrong because the party was going to be really lame anyways so they did everyone a favor.
Millwood had one of his better games of the season and basically aced all over the Yankees party and then the Mariners had 4 pitchers in one inning and then League who probably is the punchbowl culprit.
Ibanez (Verb) -
- To betray a former friend or team mate by homering(s).
- To crush the soul out of someone you professed love for because they have moved on without you.
- To traitor with a smile on your face.
The good news is that Mariner DH Mike “Joe Hamilton” Carp hit a bomb and had another bomb but was robbed by the cheating Yankees who paid the refs to call his second homer only a double witch was very questionable because it may have been a bomb and the Mariners knew they were defeated once that happened because the umps were determined to get their paycheck and Ackley had some hit balls and thats right multiple hit balls and he is on the upswing now.
The pitching was nothing to make note of because the umps were only allowing Yankee homers except for Mikejoes blast so we can not fully judge the pitching of Noesi and Wilhelminason but on some days they would probably have been good enough to win.
Felix pitched. Felix pitched in Yankee Stadium. Felix pitches well in Yankee Stadium.
Dustin Ackley and Jesus Montero hit homers. They were short homers. Short homers are worth as much as long homers. All homers are created equal although they do not appear equal. A 320 foot homer is worth as many runs as a 750 foot homer. Carlos Peguero could hit a 750 foot homer if you gave him an aluminum bat.
These things do not equal a win when Raul Ibanez hits a traitor home run.
And there was probably some milk involved too because the Mariners lulled the Tigers to sleep like a tiger cub or maybe like a baby and when the baby started to doze off the Mariners slapped the baby in the face and stole its toys and candy and walked off the field with a win.
Brendan Ryan and Ichiro Suzuki and Jesus Montero and Munenori Kawasaki and Kyle Seager and John Jaso were the baby punching heroes with a walk and a walk and a 1/2 homer and a run and a sacrifice and a sacrifice and 3 runs scored and Jaso and Suzuki also hit earlier lullaby doubles.
Beavan was decently good again for a little while and get well soon and Hitshasi Iwakuma was decently okay and WELCOME BACK SHAWN KELLEY was good and so were Furbush and Delabar again.
*No babies were harmed in the filming of this recap. Legally we are required to state that all depictions of babies in the above recap are fictional.
Mariner DHs Kyle Seager and Jesus Montero and Dustin Ackley and Mike Carp hit for the team cycle today and it was much better than a normal cycle because normal cycles are really pretty selfish but a team cycle takes team work and the Mariners had good team work today and if not for two cheating homers by Rayn Doumit the Mariners would have won 5-0.
Hector Noesi pitched quite a bit like Felix pitched yesterday and was really pretty good today except for the cheating homer and Wilhelminason gave up the other cheating homer and it has been a rough few days for him.
So I have come to understand that this Felix guy is pretty amazing and I had a post all ready about the Mariners at the bottom of the valley digging an open pit diamond mine to search for diamonds because the lower place you can go from the bottom of the valley is digging a mine but Felix would not allow that as we predicted.
Kyle Seager is basically an MVP candidate with his homer bomb game and Ichiro hit a 3/4 homer and when the enemy team scores zero that is about all you need.
Felix just 1 hit the Twins and he came out before the 9th inning but we all know he could have gone 9 innings if the Mariners were not scared about his innings limit and Delabar filled in the 9th inning fine because whatever.
captainlatte replied to your post: Mariners reach the bottom of the valley in loss to Twins
captainlatte replied to your post: Mariners reach the bottom of the valley in loss to Twins
Chupacabra. Explains everything. Chone best stay away from Ack’s chicken or there will be fish to fry.
Lucky for Ackley that Chone has no interest in the pleasures of animal flesh and other earthly delights and draws subsistence from the essence of goats and their goat dreams.
This loss is the bottom of the valley folks and the Mariners are on their way up after this because Felix is going to make everyone change their socks and give them a shot of Venezuelan hiking juice and grab each of his team mates by the pack straps and yank them up and then sing a song as he heads up the mountain trail and they have some hiking pack goats now because Chone Figgins has more time on his hands to do his hobby witch is being the Chupacabra but he is misunderstood and does not want to hurt the goats he just sucks a little bit of their will and soul out so they can do his bidding and his bidding is to help the Mariners get up the trail.
Mariner DHs Jesus Montero and Kyle Seager and Mike Carp all had homers witch were half homers and Montero and Brendan Ryan both had two hit balls and that is a decent offensive day for the Mariners but not the best but they were all looking forward to the resting place at the bottom of the valley because it has a very nice spring with clean fresh mineral water.
Jason Vargas pitched really pleasantly and probably deserved to get a win but he is Felixish and does not really need the win except that him and his team mates like to win but for personal stats reasons he does not really care and Tom Wilhelminason really does not care either but he got really confused or maybe had a thing where he forgets where he is or is busy thinking of something else because he could have helped the Mariners win but he chose not to.
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The Rays were awarded wins the first two games of the series and only scored 3 runs in each game so the Mariners geniusly figured out the pattern like most kindergarteners could and saw that the winning strategy was to score more than 3 runs so Mariner DH Kyle Seager scored 4 runs all by himself on 2 LONG BOMBS that went farther than the furniture store next to left field but since the Rays are some of the biggest cheaters in school and also failed the test in kindergarten on pattern recognition they scored more than 4 runs and one of them was a really cheater home run that was kind of like a ground rule double off of Mariner DH Michael Sanderss glove because apparently the maple syrup he was given in Canada was not sticky enough to hold the ball in his glove or maybe he did not coat his glove in maple syrup but maybe after tonight he should.
Blake “like heaven” Beavan pitched mediocrely but it should have been good enough and was not really bad at all but Charlie Furbush was the pitching star because he pitched a perfect game which is something that Jered Weaver could not do because Weaver gave up a free walk and Furbush did not.
I am going to go to some Rays games this year and sit right behind the yelling heckler and every time he yells his stupidities I am going to scream as loud as I can for as long as he does because sonic jamming is one of the only defenses we have against his kind.
Mariners 9 hits - Rays 3 hits
Jesus Montero 4-4 with a 1/2 homer
Ichiro 2-4 with a 1/2 homer
Michael Saunders kills a homer to where the grass stops growing
Good Noesi or Decent Noesi or pretty not bad Noesi
Luege and Delabar and Furbush combine to no hit the Rays and strike out 3
Lies or Scams or Half-truths or Deceptions or Conspiracies: