Mariners World Series 2012

The Mariners started out really good with Chone Figgins hitting a bomb in the first at bat and this was like the placement test that gets the genius kid into the honors and AP classes but then the kid gets really bored because even the honors and AP classes dont challenge the Mariners so they get into this funk where they under achieve for innings 2 through 8 and then the end of school is approaching so Olivo and Jaso hit a homer and a half homer in the 9th inning but the genius kid has developed so many bad habits and laziness and didn’t learn much and fell so far behind in innings 2-8 that the Mariners can not overcome it and lose the game while looking very disinterested and this game is like a microcosmical version of the whole season because the Mariners are well into the season now and its the doldrums of the middle of the season and like we always say we dont know how they get to the World Series just that they get there so we assume the genius kid realizes his potential before its too late and makes a glorious run witch leads to a Nobel Prize and or World Series win.

Jason Vargas got Felixed today because he pitched pretty durn tootin good but they didnt score many runs for him and then the bullpen had a little bit of a meltdown to make it look worse but if Jason Vargas pitches like this most games he will be an ALL-STAR so chin up Jason.

Boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring took three naps boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring wrote two chapters boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring did some painting boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring cut my hair boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring.

Boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring Iwakuma earned another three weeks of not playing boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring boring.

These are the kinds of victories that wash the taste of gerbil feces from your mouth after getting perfect gamed less than a week ago (HOLY CATS!) and the hero is Michael “Pride of Canada” Saunders because he hit TWO MONSTER BOMBS with one in the 9th inning and a QUADRUPLE HOMER IN THE 10TH inning to win it and Jesus Montero also hit a homer and John Jaso had a game tying hit ball in the 9th inning and Smoak/Liddi/Montero all hit balls to load the bases for Saunders and Ichiro threw a man out at home and the Blue Jays had many fear errors to keep the Mariners in the game and fear errors are when the other team is really scared which should be understood but just in case and Canada is probably a blaze of happy joyous feelings tonight because their hero Michael Saunders defeated an enemy of major league proportions.

Blake “Quality Start” Beavan was pitching well enough to keep the Mariners in the game and many Mariner pitchers allowed 0 hits and that is a zero not an O-letter and every Mariner played except for one and Eric Wedge isn’t even sure if that last guy exists or is just a dream or Kawasaki and Ichiros translator but Tom Wilhelminason was not one of those pitchers that had 0 hits but he was redeemed by a true hero of North America named Michael Saunders.

The Mariners have learned that their new strategy also works against fully human opponents and not just cybernetic assassins and we can assume that their goal from now on will be to bludgeon the enemy with 14 or more hits every game and if they dont get 14 or more hits in a game than they were most likely cheated and Ichiro and Ackley and Montero all had 3 hitted balls and two of those Super DHs hit half homers and many other Mariners had 2 hit balls to include Saunders who also had a stealed base and Alex GLiddiator Liddi who blasted another bomb witch is two games in a row and Ryan and Smoak were the only 2 Mariners to not get hits but they got free bases witch are much like the same as hits.

Felix didnt pitch as good like as his last game but when Felix has a bad game he pitches 7 innings and gives up one run so he is basically an MVP since the Mariners scored 9 runs and Felix only gave up one run than he gets the win and Erasmoramirez and Lutkas Luege both pitched in the rain witch is very brave for baseball players because past scientific evidence proves that baseball players are deathly allergic to the rain.

152-10

If singles are equal to humans than the Mariners strategy was much like the strategy of Ulysses S Grant during the US Civil War and the Mariners just kept throwing human singles in the path of the rampaging Terminator until he could no longer move forward and fell down because there is almost no other way to defeat a Terminator with cybernetic eyes who is a pitcher because he has a very gigantic advantage and we are not making fun of the T-37’s eyes who calls himself Max because his eyes are guldurn diggily awesome its just kind of unfair that he is allowed to use his superpowers but Ichiro and Liddi both had 3 hits and one of Liddis was a full blown insurance homer bomb and Montero and Seager and Saunders all had 2 hits and both of Saunderss were back breaking half homers and many other Mariners contributed singles to total 15 FIFTEEN hits and also three free bases which are like singles for a total of equivalent 18 EIGHTEEN HITS and even some of the newer Terminators would succumb to 18 total hits.

Jason Vargas had a tough job because Detroit does not just employ Terminators they also have some Mashers and Mashers will eat up pitchers and Vargas did pretty okay considering all the Mashers and Wilhelminason also had a little trouble with the Mashers but his breaking balls really made the Mashers brains freeze and they forgot to swing and League recovered quickly from practical joking Felix Hernandez and got his 6th save.

They play a real life game today against the White Sox and its only a one game series witch is also really odd but oh well at least we get to finally watch another game after a long layoff.

Since 4 Smoak hits and a Jaso bomb and a loaded bases in the 9th werent enough the Mariners upped the improbability of losing quotient by having Mariner DHs Chone Figgins and Ichiro Suzuki hit bombs in the first inning and that was all the scoring the Mariners needed to win because the Indians only scored one run on some cheap cheating play but just in case and because the Mariners are thorough and also very thorough they scored some extra runs in the 2nd and 4th to ensure it but not enough to embarrass the Indians cause they are classy even though they got cheated yesterday because the Mariners could have scored loads more runs if they wanted because they had 7 free walk to bases and 8 hit balls total which usually amounts to about 9 or ten runs.

Jason Vargas pitched like his best all season and strucked out many of the Indians witch he isnt really known for and Wilhelminason and Brandon League continued there dominant starts by nearly perfect gaming the 8th and 9th innings except for one cheaty like walk.

This recap is late because I have been trying to contact Bud Seligs office all day because there is no way the Mariners score 8 runs and lose because that outcome is impossible so it should be reviewed and appealed and then the Mariners should be given the win they were cheated out of because if someone told you that Smoak had 4 gigantic hit balls and 3rd catcher Jaso blasted a bomb you would know that the Mariners won and oh yeah Kale MVP Seager had two hits and the bases were loaded with one out in the bottom of the 9th so basically all of that equals win.

But Millwood did not ace and he was a victim of Seligs determination that the Indians would win this game in despite of all the things that the Mariners did to win and then Erasmoramirez got seliged to but the Mariners have two more games to not get screwed and get some wins.

156-6

Except for every other selfish off day they take because what are we supposed to do for the whole day if we dont have a game to look forward to and then watch and then talk and write about and then rewatch in slow motion so that we can measure the vibrations and lateral movement of the wood of the bat to determine if each hit was good or really good or awesomely good and its really selfish for millionaires and hundred thousandaires to take so many days off when they just play games and workout all the time to get paid witch is what the rest of us all do for fun and for free so maybe on the Mariners off days all the players go work in IT departments or retail stores because that is what people who play at work have to do for fun because life is meaningless unless you have worklife balance.

Unfetterered optimism and noncriticalization returns………………now.

The Mariners hit four homers today and two were even WHOLE ALL THE WAY HOMERS and its really nice to see Mariner DH Justin Smoak getting one of those witch is his first in a few games and Brendan Ryan got the other one and it is also his first in a few games but more long ago games than Justin Smoak and Mariner DHs Ichiro and Seager continued there good and on fireness starts by hitting one half homer each and Ichiro had two hit balls total that went wear the Athletics didnt get them in time and the bad cheater guy with glasses on the Athletics must have used his time manipulation powers to square up Beavans ball and hit it for a homer and make the game close for 3 or 4 minutes witch wasnt fair because MLB players arent supposed to use there superpowers in games but Oakland loves to cheat but it didnt work out today and Ichiro would probably get a hit everytime if he was allowed to use his superpowers like glasses guy did today.

Beavan pitched balls really swellily today but not as good as Noesi yesterday but still pretty good and he really cares about his teammates and especially the bullpen because he went 7 innings because he wanted them to not have to work too long because the sun was out and it could have gotten hot so Tom Wilhelminason and Brandon League only had to work one kind of short kind of perfect inning each to secure the win and everyone else in the pitching hole got a day off thanks to Beavans selflesslessness.

A Safari hunt with Ernest Hemingway and Edgar Martinez and Teddy Roosevelt crossing a sun scorched savannah covered in dust and Edgar has to firemans carry Teddy because Teddy got gored by an elephant but he feels fine and is giving speeches and drinking port to ease the pain and sharing a cigar with Edgar who cant stop smiling while Hemingway uses a spear to fight off the ravenous elephants and hyenas and hippos and marlins because he used all his six shooter ammo and the expended gunpowder still clings to him and they are all wearing old leather hats with ostrich feathers and lion teeth in the band.

Jesus Montero de Toilette

And we might feel bad for them if it wasnt the Yankees or probably the Angels and we wouldnt feel bad for the Rangers so ok maybe we would feel bad if it was the Pirates or the Royals but thats it because Jesus Montero and Hector Noisy played so awesomely that it must be heartbreakingly sad for the Yankees to watch them dominate as they did last night and not be on there team anymore because they are now Mariners and hopefully forever and speaking of awesome Montero he hit two homers and one was a half homer that scored two runs witch is funny weird because the full homer only scored one run and Jesus Montero is like a baby elephant like the one from the Tony Jaa movie and is also like Tony Jaa from Ong Bak mixed with the baby elephant so like a baby elephant that knows Muai Thai and beats everyone with crazy bombs and spinning knees but also with some Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant multiplied in witch is all to say that Jesus Montero is amazing.

Noesi aced the Athletics so hard last night that they were wandering around confused and swinging all wrong and not swinging and also swinging really low and when mans swing low the balls go high but not far witch is good if you like the team that is pitching and on defense and Noesi is definitely in line for a Cy Young caliber season now with 8 innings pitched and 6 strikeouts and 9 popups.

157-5

Because that is the only way this outcome was possible and its the second time Colon has “beaten” the Mariners and holy only playing the Mariners Colon are you too scared to play other teams because you dont have anything to blackmail other teams with because you have played the Mariners 3 times THREE TIMES already and there is no way you beat Felix last night unless the Mariners had to let you win or you would do something to hurt them because the Mariners only DH hits were from Ichiro and Ackley and Montero and they hit no HOMERS witch is only possible if they were trying to not hit homers because Colon is a big cheating law breaker who maybe doesnt know that it is illegal to blackmail people but I cant even think of what the dirt he has on the Mariners because they are good and pure so it must be something that they want to try and hide that isnt that bad but they know it will hurt us so they are trying to protect us.

Poor Felix hasnt gotten all of the juice yet out of his 6th pitch and he had to throw it a bunch tonight to try and lose to protect us because it isnt ready and he figured he would practice it because the Athletics had to win but next time he wont have to play slowerly so he can pitch dominantly like we are used to and like how he wants to.

157-5

Blue Jays played 2 games in one, so you could have the day off. You’re welcome.

That was extra nice of the BlueJays and the Mariners used the day off to good effect by sweeping the Athletics so thanks for the help and the Mariners will do their best against the evil ones of the AL East to pay it back.

None other than hated rival Angels pitcher CJ Wilson and he wants to stop the message because he thinks that if he stops the message he will stop the Mariners and he tries to mock the Champion Mariners because he is scared but we tracked down the internet problems to a shell company owned by a subsidissiary of the bodyguard company employed by CJ Wilson and the ipaddress was tracked to his new home that he bought with all the money he got from the Angels and also the money he used to hire all the bodyguards because he is a scared little whiny baby and also the money he used to cut off the internet access of MARINERS WORLD SERIES 2012 but he cant stop it and all the recaps were written on napkins and will be posted soon and a new one for the game starting in 2 hours that isnt written yet.

That is the only thing that is important.

No filler content today.

Unless you consider this notice filler.

Then this is filler.

But I say it is not.

That is all.

After the pitiful display of cheating and criminal assaults that the Rockies perpetuated against the Mariners the last few days you knew there would be karmic comeuppance and the Mariners really pounded the cheating Rockies today who are the saddest team of criminals maybe in all of baseball and they really dont deserve Jamie Moyer who is such a nice man and will probably end up on a better team soon and its weird that the Rockies are such cheaters and criminals because they live in a really nice place and people in nice places dont really need to cheat and criminalize so much because they are happier but the Mariners DHs in the outfield and there 3rd catcher were really happy today because they had 9 hits between 4 people witch is really a lot of hits and Mariner nonDH Chone Figgins gets the DH title returned to him today after killing two 3/4 homers witch is much harder than hitting two full homers witch happens all the time because 3/4 homers require many more cosmically challenging things to happen and 3rd Catcher Mariner DH Jaso had his breakout game of the year with 3 balls hit to where no Rockies could catch them and one was a half homer.

The Mariners 6th Ace Hector Noesi really aced all over the Rockies today and he is well prepared for the restart of all the way real baseball witch is good because all the way real baseball restarts again in hours and or days and maybe now witch is also good for George Sherrill who can now start playing for real unlike the messing around he did today.

The Mariners had many of the homers today with a full on bomb by Cow Catcher who had FOUR hit balls and is probably the next Jose Bautista so the Mariners should re-sign him right now to a 10 or 20 year deal so they can keep him for cheaper after the millions and almost billions of dollar deals that players are signing now these days and Kawasaki and Sager and Wells and Saunders all had two hits and all had at least one homer of some type but Sager had 1.25 homers to continue his current stretch of looking like the best baseball player in all of the world and maybe even multiple worlds if they play baseball there but we cant prove that here but we can say for almost certain that the Angels most recent poisoning attempt has failed again because of all the poisoned players played again today and they all pitched or hitted pretty much like regular.

Erasmoramirez was kind of nervous because the Rockies have been very rude lately getting in fights and hitting Mariners with baseballs like they are criminals committing assault so Erasmoramirez had a bad first few balls thrown cause he was preoccupied but then he settled in fine but Wilhelminason and League were probably a little scared about the cheating criminal Rockies after they committed another assault on Casper Wells and you never know who the Rockies are going to attack for no reason and they probably dont deserve to have Jamie Moyer because he is a very nice man.

I really like Jamie Moyer and he is one of the greatest Mariners ever but he just doesnt like Carlos Peguero for some reason or else his new dirty team of cheaters convinced him to hit Peguero with balls all day and he didnt peg him he hit him twice and this appeared to be the Rockies strategy to win the game because later some guy named Escargot pegged Jesus Montero in the head with a ball witch is the cheatingest cheat that cheaters use and is really uncalled for but because Montero is a mans man he channeled his vengeful fury and didnt stoop to charge the baseball pitchers mound and he is a superman because I dont think he barely even noticed getting head in the head with a hard baseball painwise and even with all these cheats the Rockies couldnt stop Kawasaki and Ichiro and Ryan who all had more than 1.75 hits and less than 4 hits and all had half homers and every other Mariner starter got on base which ties the record for that record in all of major league history of baseball because you cannot have more than all of your starters get on base because replacements and guy who come in later dont count as starters.

Felix Hernandez is tired of these games and is ready for Saturday and he said all that stuff and joked around after the game but during the game he aced the Rockies as hard as they have been aced all season and he struck 6 of them out and only pitched 4 innings and gave up no scores cause he is ready for Saturday when he starts a real game and now that practice is over he can dial up his fastballs again but he probably doesnt need to because he can ace with slow balls because he has 6 pitches of muy excellente quality and Iawakuma and Shawn Kelley both pitched pretty good but poor Shawn Kelley was the victim of the Mariners having too many awesome pitchers so he had to go to AAA for a little while but he WILL BE BACK STRONGER THAN EVER BEFORE.

The Mariners only played one inning and it was the 6th inning and they scored 6 runs in the 6th inning witch was plenty enough runs more than the Royals who had less than 6 runs and Karl Seager continued to be one of the most promising Mariner DHs by hitting his 5th bomb of the season but cheating baseball only counts 4 of them because of the Rockies thunder god taking one away but we know the truth and the other truth is that Olivo hit a bomb too witch was right before Seager and Olivos was a triple homer which is almost the highest homer you can hit and Mariner superpowerful DHs Justin Smoak and Jesus Montero both had two hit balls and Moon Kawasaki had 3 and Ichiro was very proud of him.

Bleak Beavan didnt ace all over the Royals today because they have many young major league level ballplayers who are young and good and Beavan only needed to allow less than 6 runs and thats what he did before giving the ball to all the Mariners closers who shut all the doors on the young Royals fingers and didnt open the doors till after the game so the young Royals fingers were all swollen up but they learned a valuable lesson.

These futurely good baby Mariners really put a stompening to the hated Padres who had many of there real starters playing in the game but the young Mariners beat them anyways and none of them will even be on the Major Leagues of Baseball big team in a week witch doesnt matter because today was there day of glory while the Japanese Mariners all rested from there goodwill tour of Japan and the young Mariners were led by Porythress and Sromero and Sugar Jesus who we met when he replaced Montero Jesus last week and they had 7 hit balls together and Andrew Carroll blasted a homer bomb witch is really impressive because he used to play soccer in Newcastle witch was built by the Romans in England and was pretty good in FIFA’10 but its really impressive to see multi sport athletes competing at the top levels of many sports in the world.

Kevin Millwood aced all over the Padres and there vaunted real live regular big league starters who filled half the lineup and he struck 8 balls past them for 8 Ks and looks like a bonyfied Ace for the Mariners this season with each passing masterly preformance and this one was 7 innings long so he looks ready for the season now.