The Mariners won baseball today

Sorry everyone, baseball is over.  The Mariners won today.  It was nice to win 116 games and it was also nice to win the notional 2012 World Series Championship of the world, but this is better.  Except for baseball being over.

Sure, I bet they play some games and do some hitting of balls and throwing of balls and catching of balls but it is all irrelevant.  The Mariners won.  Felix Hernandez, arguably the greatest player in the history of his chosen sport, beloved by everyone, lusted after by every team in baseball who was sure he would be theirs when the Mariners eventually traded him or watched him walk away, lover of dogs, loyal to a fault, pitcher of perfect game(s), and general all around great human being, will be a Mariner until 2019.  Game over.  The Mariners won the game.  The goal of the game was clearly to lock Felix up and keep him because why else would every team be trying to do that.  So the game is over.  The Mariners won.

Before today’s confirmation, over the course of the last few weeks, a wealthy benefactor approached us who was not a Mariners fan.  They wanted the focus of this space to move beyond the Mariners.  There is a good chance they have nefarious reasons for wanting this.  But they are wealthy.  But most likely nefarious.  They offered much money and glory.  But at what price?  Is sowing evil the price?  Money sounds nice.  There may be changes a foot.  Malevolent changes.  Do they know the game is already won?  We will see.  We will see.

For those complaining about the Mariners not getting Stanton and Upton and Hitterman

How many great DHs do you need to be happy and can you people ever be sated and how many world serieses do the Mariners need to win for you all to appreciate the great DHs that brought the notional World Series title to Seattle in 2012?

The Mariners dont need Stanton or Upton or Hitterman because they would not even have anywhere to play because you do not just replace great DHs who have notional rings with new guys even though they bring heavy bats with them.

The people screaming for the big bopping batsmens are like the guy who really likes giraffes and so he gets a season pass to the zoo but it is not enough so he buys his own giraffe and that is not enough and so he buys a whole zoo of his own and fills it with giraffes and even that is not enough so he makes his wife wear a giraffe costume and he is still unhappy.

If the Mariners acquire another DH to put next to all the award winning DHs they already have and all of the amazing historical DHs they have already acquired since the notional World Series win then we will welcome them but they will not be needed to win another title.

Inside Source: Huge Acquisition to be Announced by Mariners

Very exciting Mariners news to be announced within the next 24 hours.

More to follow as updates occur.

19 Nov 2012

Don’t give up hope Mariners fans

Now that the baseball season is over we would like to send a message of hope and never giving up because who knows if these evil cheating teams in the playoffs will have their wins revoked because they all cheated and that kind of thing happens all the time in sports and when that happens the Mariners have a very good chance to be awarded the 2012 World Series title because everyone knows they are the good guys.

But none of the above really matters because do you know how many hundreds of people get sent here when they google search for “Who won the 2012 World Series”?  Hundreds of them and the internet never forgets so in many ways the Mariners are already the true champions of the 2012 World Series because it is documented forever here on the internet and no one can take that away from us.

And someone just informed me that baseball is not technically over (But he had a stupid hat on so who knows if he should be believed) but in a real life battle between a Tiger and a Giant that I once saw it was…actually it was kind of a stalemate so that is our certified pick in this Faux Series of Baseball that may be occurring still.



Anonymous asked: You are coming back next season, right? RIGHT?!

We will be back for at least one more post in about a minute or so but as we stated during this season, 2013 is foggy. Very foggy after December 2012 for some reason.


The Marine Barracks, Washington D.C., also known as 8th and I, is the oldest post in the Marine Corps.  It is the home of the Marine Band and the Silent Drill Platoon.  It is also the location of the Home of the Commandants of the Marine Corps, a house provided for the highest ranking Marine to live in.  Marine Corps lore also says that during the War of 1812 when the British burnt most of Washington DC, the Commandants Home was left untouched as a sign of respect.

"Why are we getting this history lesson?" the readers exclaim, "Did you not see what Felix did today?"

Does the precision and execution in the above video remind you of anyone?  Does the respect commanded by his enemies sound familiar?  Would it be a good idea to build Felix his royal palace on the grounds of Safeco Field?  That last one is not even really a question because of course the answer is yes.  Felix loves Seattle, and the Mariners, and Safeco, so it is past time that he was able to call it his home in more ways than one.  If the Rays can put a bizarre furniture store in LF of Tropicana then surely the Mariners can build the King his Royal Palace in LF of Safeco.

Of course they re-sign him to whatever contract he wants, the Palace is just a perk to show how much they love him.  They would put in a pool, and have the bedrooms located underground for the proper privacy.  The living room would face the field and lead out onto a viewing deck so that Felix could wave to his family from the mound.  And if Felix was feeling up to it, the Mariners could sell special tickets to sit on his roof or even watch from his patio, and of course, it’s Felix, so he would agree because he is amazing and we love him and he loves us and we hope he never leaves.

Mariners win 1-0 and Felix throws a complete game shutout 2-hitter in Yankee Stadium.

Mariners throw rocks at chirping blue birds that invade their home

And the blue birds did not die but they probably got kind of hurt a little bit because getting pelted with rocks is only sometimes pleasurable and at the least their emotions were hurt because Son of Canada Michael Saunders was one of the most prominent rock throwers and it always hurts when children throw rocks at their parents even if the parents are perched just outside the window and WON’T STOP CHIRPING AND SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT UP THAT DAMN BIRD.

Many good games were had by Mariner hitters in addition to Canadian Son Michael Saunders with Seager and Ackley and Ryan doing more than the standard hit ball and jog to first once in a game because they all had either a half homer or two hits or a stolen base in some order.

Iwakuma used jetlag to fuel the most dominant start of his career and scared 13 birds away from the plate with rock like objects and a person would think that jetlag would make poor fuel but those persons would be wrong because jetlag proved to be a much better fuel than anger which is what fuels Brett Lawrie because Lawrie was chased away from home plate 4 TIMES after striking out and his anger issues most likely stem from being worse at sports than his sister and generally just being a worse person than her overall but in truth she is pretty amazing so it would be hard to live up to her standard. 

Also: It is not that we are taking credit for the flurry of Mariner moves during and after the game but it is a pretty big coincidence that some minutes or hundred minutes after hitting create on the Trade Deadline Post that the Mariners made all their moves.  Some sadness for people leaving or going to Tacoma and some new players which might be futurely good which is not sadness and at least Brandon League is going to a place where he won’t be tempted with distractions like partying and jello-shotting.

Requisite Trade Deadline Post (No Sources)

What moves should the Mariners make before tomorrow’s trade deadline?  Here is a list of X number of moves that should be made in less than 24 hours:

  • Trade Brandon League to the University of Hawaii for Timmy Chang.
  • Trade Kevin Millwood to the NL Champion Pirates so that he can act as the Mariners Trojan Horse during the World Series.  Prior to game 3, Chone Figgins will burst forth from Millwood’s chest spraying acid, brake fluid, and a mild sedative into the flock of Pirates in the clubhouse.  Or gaggle of Pirates.  Or herd.
  • Trade the Mariners 2001 season 116 win total to the Yankees for the Yankees 1956 World Series Title.  The Yankees can finally extinguish their inferiority complex about not having the regular season win total record and the Mariners will gain valuable experience for their World Series run.  In an unrelated but similar move, the Yankees will acquire Barry Bonds record setting 2001 season from the Giants in order to regain the single season home run record in exchange for the Yankees 1953 World Series victory over the Dodgers.  The Giants gain valuable bragging rights in their rivalry with the Dodgers.
  • Remember to sew Chone Figgins into Kevin Millwood’s chest and provide him an adequate breathing tube and a sufficient supply of Clif Bars.
  • Trade Jason Vargas for a high-upside cost-controlled bat under the age of 25.
  • Trade Felix Hernandez for the souls of Ken Rosenthal, Jon Morosi, Jon Heyman, and Geoff Baker.  Felix will return to Seattle after acquiring the souls and use them to power his record run of 35 straight Cy Youngs.
  • Trade a bunch of free tickets to orphans for nothing.
  • Acquire 20% of the Royals and Yankees win totals in accordance with the percentage of former Mariners on each of those teams.
  • Make other moves/trades that GM Jack Zduriencik believes will improve the team because it is not unpossible that he knows more than I do and has a desire to make the team better.

I quit.


Anonymous asked: Is the cowcatcher a good contact hitter?

If you would like to enjoy Carlos Peguero as a baseball player then it is very important to not ask questions about how good or how not good he is at contacting the ball with the bat of his choice.  It is also important not to focus on his badroutitude or his flailibility or his backbreakitudinal swings with this last one being tied into his contactibility.  However, if you enjoy the antics of one Munenori Kawasaki, which is required around these parts because he is amazing and not because of his great offensive numbers, then you can find enjoyment in the above listed traits of the Cowcatcher.  Physical comedy is a highly valued skill in the entertainment industry, and Carlos Peguero has that skill and he is a member of a group that was created to entertain us.  However, baseball was designed to entertain us because it could distract us from the hopelessness of our existence and make us docile so that we do not revolt against our overlords.  So does that make Carlos Peguero a tool of our oppression or just a man that has the desire to entertain us buried deep inside his soul?  

In conclusion, to go back to the question, dingerability and smashitude and longbombosis are the most important pieces of what makes Carlos Peguero a World Series MVP contender and why we root for him to stay with the big club and kill baseballs with a 3 foot long piece of tree trunk.

Today is the day we begin our march to the World Series

Well technically the march began at the beginning of the season and even more technically it began in the 1970s for the Mariners or the mid 1800s for all of baseball and then where would we be without the brave pioneers who developed cricket and those other brave pioneers that handed out olive branches to sporting event winners in Greece and then we get back to the half monkey proto humans or the god infused dust ball but we are really focusing on the move today that is the catalyst for the Mariners to destroy the rest of baseball on their warpath to the WORLD SERIES TITLE.

Carlos Peguero is back where he belongs on the big club and just in time because the Mariner DHs were getting tired because baseball season is long and tiring and it is always nice to get some boosters like a rocketship that has extra boosters halfway through its flight to space because it is a long way and gravity is hard and gravity is like the length of the season.

But this is the check mate move that seals the fate of the rest of the teams in baseball.

Quit trying other guys. Cowcatcher is back to blast you.

Game over.


The Mariners Hero Triplets deliver the decade’s most exciting victory


What an amazing win for our beloved Mariners and there is no doubt in most fans minds that they are the most exciting team in all of the major leagues of baseball.

The Hero Triplets gave the Mariners a signature win and by signature win we mean one of the most amazing victories in the history of all baseball and Felix Hernandez is your first hero because he was the steady dominant rock of a hero that kept his teammates in the game when things looked dark with his most dominant start of the season by throwing a complete game shutout and striking out 13 THIRTEEN 1-3 Red Socks and wouldn’t you know that the Red Socks are one of the best offensive teams in baseball and Felix dominated them. D-O-M- you know the rest so spell it out for yourself because we have more heroes to talk about.

Casper Wells is our second hero because he hit a monstrous laser to a place where no Red Socks defenders were which is one of the smartest plays in baseball and more players should hit balls where no defenders are and his laser went for a scorching half homer that put him on second base in the bottom of the 9th inning which is very good place to be when the score is tied at 0 and then he scored on a great slide later AND OH LET’S NOT FORGET HIS GAME SAVING UNBELIEVABLE SLIDING CATCH THAT WOULD HAVE KILLED MOST MORTALS.

And our final hero triplet is John “Hero” Jaso who gets the new nickname because HE FREAKING DESERVES IT because this guy just knows how to come up big and he only saw one pitch in the bottom of the 9th and he smashed it for a game winning walk off single which may have actually been an inside the park home run but when you only need one run to win they stop the game so we will never know and how many times has he come up big for the Mariners this year and if the Mariners were not so loaded with amazing DHs at every position he would get so much more playing time.

There were two minor heroes who also contributed to the win and one terrible villain and the first minor hero is Michael Saunders for a great running game saving catch and he was in the game because of the disgusting revolting villain Flacido Morales or something and he is a horrific cheating villain because he hit Franklin Gutierrez right in the face with a hard baseball and Flacido knows baseball are hard because he touches them for a living and he tried to kill Gutierrez while Gutierrez was peacefully standing on first base because Flacido knows that Gutierrez is an amazing defender and the Red Socks are known to cheat like this but LITTLE DID THEY KNOW that hero Michael Saunders is a great defender too and he showed them.  He showed them.

The last hero was Jarraud Saltylamickia and he is a hero because he is also a coward who was too scared to hold on to the ball when Casper Wells came around to score and Saltyllamachicken proved that he is no Jaso and you do not want him involved in plays when the game is on the line unless you play or root for the other team.

Mariners deliver thrilling 1-0 shutout victory of Athletics

And they were lead by a dominant Erasmoramirez who strucked out 10 Athletics in 8 innings of shutout baseball which is his greatest start as a major league baseball player in all of his major league career and Tom Wilhelminason pitched another perfect game in the 9th inning which is becoming quite a regular thing for him to do.

And the hitters had 7 hits which is way more than twice as many hits as the Athletics had and Jesus Montero lead the hitters with 2 patiently destructive singles and many other hitters had one hit.

And the game winning hit and run batting in was hit by… I forget and need to check the box score real quick…….




who the hell is Seph Smith and when did the Mariners get him?  WAIT a minute this is…it cant be right and now I’ve written too much to go back and change it and just…

Mariners Lose

Mariers Lose

Miners Lse

mers Le


Felix single handedly defeats Padres

Many of Felix’s teammates played pretty well but the point is that Felix did not need any of their help because he beat the Padres all on his own by hitting a double and driving home two runs but not really driving more like swinging a bat at a ball and then running which is about the furthest thing away from driving that you can do but those two runs were all the Felixes needed because Felix also pitched 7 innings of shutout ball with 10 strikeouts.

Yes that is right it is a shutout because balks are stupid and do not count as runs until stupid corrupt umpires either call them consistently or are replaced by robots so Felix pitched a shutout and even with the balk Felix “drove” those two runs home which was enough to win.

And Ichiro had 2 hits and Michael Saunders had two hits too but one of his was a full bomb and they both had a free walk too and Ackley had two free walks and walks are almost exactly as good as hits.

Padres continue bitterness toward Mariners because of perceived sleight

The evil lord Selig determined many years ago that the Seattle Mariners and San Diego Padres would be bitter rivals for some reason and the Mariners and their fans have continually refused to hate the Padres because it does not make much sense and this has apparently angered the Padres who feel sleighted by the Mariners insistence to not treat them as hated rivals while also proving that they are completely in Seligs pocket in his quest to destroy the Mariners.

So the Padres anger has festered in their souls and this year it is erupting in angry boils all over their body and they have unleashed all of the runs they have been saving because everyone knows that the Padres cannot score runs in Petco Park so when they score 9 runs it is really fishy because Kevin Millwood pitched 2/3rds of a no hitter a few weeks ago so it clearly was not the Mariners pitching that allowed the Padres to score 9 runs.

Because the Mariners offense was not a problem tonight as Frankling Utierrez and Ichiro combined for 7 hits and the Mariners hit two bombs with Olivo and Utierrez killing them out to the faux brick factory or the other places in the outfield that do not have brick factories and the Mariners had 9 hits and 3 walks which are like hits and a stolen base which is like a 1/2 homer so clearly the Mariners offense was not a problem.